I was walking in my little village the other day and I was literally struck immobile as this 20-something man walked passed me. No, he wasn’t Chris Hemsworth, although, wouldn’t that be nice. No, the thing was, he was wearing acid washed jeans. And not just any acid washed jeans, but a semi-parachute acid wash jean. These things had elasticated bottoms, pulled up to above the ankle and hung LOW below the groin. It is October, so it could have been for Halloween, or he could have been being ironic. Or… big G help me, they could be coming back. As a certain Disney Princess favoured by my 3 year old daughter sings, loudly, and on all to frequent an occasion “The past is in the past… Let It Go”. So here are my top ten things that I think deserve to remain in the stylists closet that time forgot.
1 Stirrup ski pants. I don’t really feel this needed much justification, but then I happened across an article in the Daily Mail, and it appears that there is some move to re-introduce them. Don’t. Just don’t. I remember as a child wearing ski pants, never entirely sure whether the little foot hold strap was meant to go around my shoe, or my foot. Of course now I would assume my foot, but at the time, I am pretty sure I wore it around my shoe, thus decreasing the length of pant on my actual body, and resulting in almost continual builders crack. Not a great look.
2 When we are on the topic of things that don’t fit as they should, what about the button-up body suit. Again, this was a big memory from my teenage years. That hideous scenario, suit firmly stuck up the bum-crack, fiddling for an eternity to get the buttons re-done especially if in a public bathroom, all-in-all, a joy. Being busty, it was always a fight between cutting your nether regions in two, and not providing a complete view of the girls. I would love for these to be consigned to the fashions of old.
3 Number 3 is more of a social service, rather than a personal vendetta. Hyper-colour t-shirts. Thankfully for me, my mother refused to let us wear them, realizing that they basically demonstrated any hot and sweaty bits, that normally any sensible person would choose to hide. At the time I remember begging and pleading, feeling like a social pariah because I didn’t have that most ugly of t-shirts, but now, I would do the same service for my own kids. So, although it is quite funny that a t-shirt will change colour like a visual mood-ring on steroids, I am sure that the process of creating these t-shirts was so un-environmentally friendly that landfills everywhere could tell how they are feeling today. Best left there.
4 Spiral perms. Need I say more. I combined a very tight perm with dark brown lipstick at school. It is a wonder I’m not still in therapy.
5 Juicy couture tracksuits, or less specifically velour tracksuits. If I was being controversial I would put all velour and velvet in here, but I suspect I will be out on my own with that one. But with velour and velvet tracksuits I think I am on reasonably solid ground. The thing about them is that if they were merely left as the item that you slip on as soon as you remove your bra (usually 10 seconds after getting back to your house in the evening), then I am all for them. But Juicy couture got above its station. I mean, couture tracksuits? What the… A tracksuit is good for 2 things, and it does both incredibly well. One is keeping an athlete warm prior to them running track. The second is that it keeps me warm on the three weeks a year that Queensland merits that. Track suits do not do bling well. At least not on mere mortals, who don’t have more Instagram followers than small countries have GDP. So, I say keep them for track and sofa, but the bling is just wrong.
6 Whilst I am on a roll with tracksuits, let’s talk shell suits. The Independent recently reported that the resurgence of the 1980s in 2018 has seen the re-appearance of shell suits. And it turns out that Gucci is responsible. Which makes my heart hurt. Gucci that brings us the most beautiful, luxurious and stylish handbags also brings us a shell suit that has flames fashioned from crystals. Shell. Suit. Flames. Fashioned. From. Crystals. Just. No. With the potential for the shell suit itself to burst into flames at the merest whiff of a spark, now Gucci is taunting us, so near the flame of destruction, but still so far.
7 Whoever thought about platform trainers is surely a small person (I originally wrote man, and still believe it was a man, but I am being politically correct). So, the small person – it’s the only thing I can think of. Take something that is known for comfort, and build in a platform, ensuring that the chances of falling off and breaking your ankle is considerable higher. In my mind I can see a small person (man) trying to pretend they are not so small. I am being very mean here and that is very unlike me (ahem). If that isn’t justification for removing them from our fashion dress-up box I don’t know what is.
8 I did talk about acid wash jeans and those amazing MC Hammer parachute pants earlier. The fact that they can now be purchased as one item blows my tiny mind. Someone spent time making those. They aren’t getting that time back. Even if that is the only reason (and believe me, judging by my young fellow, it isn’t), good manners say we should not see them again.
9 My next one is more of a personal preference and the item of clothing itself isn’t the problem, it’s the way of wearing it. I am talking about the sweater tied around the neck, on both genders. I love sweaters – there is nothing nicer than a beautiful soft cashmere sweater over a button-up shirt. But if you don’t want to wear the sweater, throw it over your shoulders, or tie it round your waist. Don’t tie it round your neck. You look like Carlton from The Fresh Prince.
10 My number ten was a toss-up between small fashion backpacks (that cannot even hold a phone now, given the increasing size of our Apples and Samsungs), adult onesies, and Daisy Duke shorts. I decided on Daisy Dukes because although I feel genuinely sorry for those that carry the little backpacks that can’t carry anything, those people are having a hard enough time holding onto all their stuff with only two hands. The adult onesies could also effectively be covered by the Juicy tracksuit above, so I will leave that there. Which leaves the Daisy Duke shorts. I am putting it out there, I love denim shorts. They are versatile, can be tailored or relaxed fit and I basically live in them in the summer. What I am talking about here is the shortest of short shorts that teenies so recently wore, where the shorts pocket was longer than the shorts themselves. Where I can see their perfectly pert pre-20s butt cheeks hanging out the bottom, whether I want to or not – for the record, I do not. Mine didn’t do that even in my teens, so I am probably a bit bitter. But it’s not very dignified, right? So, in the name of having self-respect, let’s not let our asses hang out the bottom of our shorts. It’s not too much to ask.
And there you have it – my list of fashion mistakes that I would like to be left in the past. Unfortunately with the rise of 1980s and 1990s fashion in the next 12 months or so, it’s unlikely I will get my wish, but I believe that if I put it out there, the universe will provide.
Until next time,
Stop The Gape